26 January 2010

Pow Pa

Jocelyn just came up to me with a picture of me and my dad from my high school graduation. She was pointing to him, saying, "Pow-pa, mommy, Pow-pa", over and over. Then she put the picture in her little purse and closed it up. She put the purse over her shoulder and headed for the front door, saying, "Bye, bye. Love you", and blowing kisses to me. I asked her where she was going, and she said, "See Pow-pa, bye". How am I supposed to stop crying? She is so freaking cute. I don't know why that makes it harder to deal with the fact that he's gone. He's never going to get to see how she is changing or be proud of her for learning something new. It hurts. I am so jealous of my sister, Kylie, for being able to experience our dad as a Grandpa for so many years, with her son, Joseph. I never imagined my kids not knowing him. I always assumed that they'd visit him and go up for helicopter rides with him. I imagined him correcting their grammar as they got older, and peeling oranges for them like he used to always do for me. Almost a year after his death, I still cannot believe that these things are never going to happen and that this is how it has to be forever. It's just not fair, for any of us.


Amanda Evans said...

How cute of JJ to say that! I love her! I miss dad, too.

Kylie, since 1982 said...

You know, the grass isn't greener on this side. Telling Joseph the news broke my heart, he is still so acutely aware of the loss and gets upset. While I am thankful for the time he had with Dad, it's so hard as a parent to see him in so much pain. Your kids and the other grandkids will grow up with it as a fact, not a loss. The grass isn't greener, like I said. It's dead on both sides.