20 December 2010

Round Is A Shape

I have never before been ice skating without falling at least once. This is usually due to me thinking that I am a much more talented ice skater than I really am. Last night, I didn't fall once. Perhaps it was because I didn't try to attempt any 1/2 axles like I usually do. I did get to experience something else completely new at the ice skating rink last night, and that was sharing one of my favorite winter time activities with my two year old daughter. Jocelyn knew we were going to be ice skating in the evening, so all day she wouldn't stop talking about it, and how excited she was to go. Then we got there, and I was heartbroken when she refused to let anyone put the adorable tiny skates on her feet. This lasted for nearly an hour. Then all of a sudden, she changed her mind! We got out on the ice, and she didn't want to leave. She nearly cried when her skates were taken off. That's my girl. :)



Another plus for me, is that I am NOT sore at all today. This has never happened. Perhaps it's because I didn't fall at all, but usually just wearing skates and using those uncommon muscles will leave my ankles and legs aching for a day or two. I'm thinking this means that Boot Camp has made me a better, stronger body. No muscles went unworked in that class...and I think that prepared me better for an activity like ice skating! I cannot wait to start again in January.

The soreness from last Sunday's marathon was completely worn off by Wednesday, which was nice. Monday was awful, and I thought Tuesday would be even worse because usually day two is worse for me. However, Tuesday was not nearly as bad as Monday, and Wednesday I was nearly back to normal. My feet were not nearly as torn up as they were after the half marathon, and I am considering referring to myself as an actual 'runner' now! :) I think I have a little while to go until I am pleased with my physical appearance, but as far as being in shape and feeling in shape, I'm very impressed with myself. If you would have asked me at anytime in my life, up until about 6 months ago, if I would ever enjoy running, the answer would have been, "No way!" I am a girl who smoked for 5 years, the entire time I was in the Air Force. That whole time I was on active duty, I did my yearly PT test and not much more as far as exercise went. I might have looked better, but my bodily health was crap. It feels so good to finally feel so good! Haha.



Anyway, I hope I can concentrate on the healthy aspect of what I am doing, instead of getting caught up in the, "I want to be skinny" aspect of it all. After ice skating last night, I was reminded that Jocelyn's single biggest influence in her life is me (at least for now). I need to be a model of good health, good eating decisions, and smart activity choices for my kids. I also need to avoid being too consumed with my looks, to avoid teaching them about body image anxiety issues. These are all hard things to do, but I have found that the smartest decisions are easiest to make when it involves the lives of your children, and not just you. Obviously smoking, sloth, and Smirnoff were much more easily put in the trunk once my world started to revolve around my kids instead of just me. Though sometimes it will be hard to make the right choices, or even know what the right choices are, I hope that I will find it easier and easier to strive to be an example for my children in all aspects of life.

Don't be afraid to hold me accountable. :)

08 December 2010

Miss me?

I haven't blogged in a bit. To say that I've been busy would be a lie, but I have added some new things to my normal schedule. I have been running quite a bit since my last blog, training for the Honolulu Marathon (which is in 3 days, ack!). I have moved into a beautiful new house, hosted a couple parties, and decorated for Christmas since my last blog. I have been going to a Monday night women's Bible study for some time now, but Brad and I started going to the Friday night family version since my last blog. I have made some new friends at MOPS since my last blog. Also since my last blog, I have started doing boot camp classes Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 0715. I don't know if you remember this blog,http://happyteamhayes.blogspot.com/2010/08/fat.html, but when I posted it, I was signed up to start boot camp classes on September 4th. That didn't happen thanks to my appendix no longer wanting to reside in my body. I even posted 'before' photos in the blog right after that one. However, I'm pretty sure I looked exactly the same at the end of September, if not fatter (thanks to my post surgery laziness). After a month of no serious physical activity, I started running again in October, then started Boot Camp in the middle of November. The instructor took my measurements back at the end of August, and today I got measured again. Guess what, I lost some stuff! I lost some inches here and there, some pounds here and there, and some other junk too (I'm sure).

This is the before and after according to her measurments:

Weight:
before- 155
after- 146

bust:
before -41
after -38

waist:
before -33.5
after -31.5

leg:
before -22.75
after -21.75

arm:
before -10.75
after -10.25

body fat percentage:
before -35%
after -32%

Metabolic age:
before -43
after -35 (yikes!)

I didn't get to participate in the biggest loser competition this month because my original measurements were so old...but next month? It's on! I still have a long way to go to feel comfortable posting 'after' photos in that same swim suit from September.

In addition the the joy I feel with this physical accomplishment, I just feel so much more joyful as a person lately. I had some serious problems this summer finding joy in things. I would get mad at complete strangers for really silly things, and I was allowing myself to be consumed by anger and frustration regarding things that were completely out of my control. I thank God for my ladies bible study group, and the timing at which they decided to do a John Piper study called "Fighting For Joy". I have found it difficult sometimes to fight for joy in certain things, but at the same time I have found it easy to be grateful for all the blessings that I have. My most recent struggle involves all of my amazing blessings. I have been asking myself questions about the lost and the unreached, and how God has allowed them to become so lost. It is so overwhelming sometimes to think about how many millions of people on our planet have never even heard the name of Jesus, much less had the opportunity to hear the gospel and become saved. The past few days I have had some trouble finding joy in the fact that these people are the complete opposite of blessed while I am sitting here with SO MUCH! I have been so happy lately, between surrounding myself with wonderful Godly women who hold me accountable, and all of the happy endorphins I get from my increased exercising, that I have seemed to forget about those who don't have so much to be happy about this holiday season and always. I want to challenge myself to continue to find joy in all that I can, but also put a lot more effort into praying for and supporting missionaries who are spreading the gospel around the world. It has been placed on my heart to take part in a short term missions trip this year, whether it be the one I am thinking about right now, or some other one I can join up with, I really want to bring others the option to fight for joy in God.

Wow, strange blog, huh? "Yay, I lost a few pounds" turned into some pretty deep stuff pretty quickly. I'm sorry if this caught you off guard...but that's just me!

I honestly don't think I will get around to blogging before the year is up, so Happy Christmas and Merry New Year to all of you. I hope you are able to feel blessed this season, and find some way to share those blessings with someone who needs them!

30 October 2010

Ten things I'm wondering about

10. Why did Jocelyn wake up crying for a half hour last night. Did she have a bad dream? Why couldn't she effectively communicate to me what the heck was wrong? Why did I have to feel so helpless to make her feel better?

9. Why are there husbands out there who cheat on their GORGEOUS and skinny wives...wives who work out, work hard, keep their houses clean, stay busy, look put together all the time, and are faithful and loving...while I am lucky enough to get a good looking husband who loves me and stays faithful to me even though I am not nice, gorgeous, skinny, hardworking, organized or even clean?

8. Why have I had no feeling in two of the toes on my left foot for the past week? Did I drop something on it while moving boxes or furniture? Did they become desensitized because of my ill-fitting running shoes?

7. How is it that I have a one year old and a two and a half year old? I mean, didn't I just help finish building a JAWS themed homecoming float last week?

6. How is it possible to love my kids as much as I do?

5. Will Brad be able to keep up with me in 6 weeks as we run the Honolulu Marathon? Better yet, will I even be able to cross the finish line in 6 weeks at the Honolulu Marathon?

4. Who is going to want to wake up at 0330 to watch my kids that day?

3. Why do some girls have to be so stupid and drama-riffic? And, why am I not trying harder to avoid being one of those girls?

2. How can some people get pregnant one month post-partum, while breastfeeding, and yet I am one year post-partum, no longer breastfeeding and still not getting pregnant?

1. How, even with God's amazing grace, can I successfully fight for joy everyday, even on bad days? Why does it have to be so hard sometimes!


These are just thoughts that have crossed my mind in the last hour. I could make this a "100 things I'm wondering right now" list, but I'll spare you. :)

03 October 2010

God > stuff....but oh man, do I like stuff!

Team Hayes went on a major shopping spree today. We spent a grand total of $3,627.96. That sounds like a lot, right? Well, consider this: In 2003, Brad bought the TV that we have right now. It is a 900 pound, 38", picture tube monstrosity that takes up about one quarter of the square footage of our family room. It was pretty much the last picture tube television ever made, and the only reason it wasn't bigger than 38", was because if they made a 42" high definition picture tube television, you'd need a forklift to move it around your house. Anyway, when he bought the behemoth, it came with a specialized TV stand, surround sound, sub woofer, DVD player, and Direct TV dish equipment. It was a package deal, and he paid $3,600 plus tax! Eek.

Today, for the same amount that he spent on just his TV stuff back in the day, we got a sleeper sofa, a matching reclining love seat, a coffee table and two matching end tables, a lap top desk, a chair for the laptop desk, a 42" LCD flat screen TV, a DVD/surround sound home theater system, a TV table, and two matching bookcases.




Everything you see pictured above was purchased today for the same amount of money that (seven years ago) purchased this:



Yeah, Brad might be "good with money", and he might have had the $3,600 cash to throw down for his TV and stuff back then...BUT, I definitely bring something to the table here. I know how to get MORE for my (our) money! ;) We make a great team. He saves the money, and I spend it...on deals!

Are you ready for the bonus? If you apply for a Military Star card, you get 10% off of your first day's purchases. Also, AAFES has a special right now...if you use your star card to buy furniture or electronics between October 1st and October 15th, you will not have to pay interest or even make a payment until May 2011. Hmm, coincidence that the only things we were buying were furniture and electronics? SO, Brad got a star card today. The limit was $3,700 (when we had already picked out exactly $3,629.00 worth of stuff, weird huh?). We will now only have to pay $3,266 for all of that stuff (10% off = $363 in savings), and we don't have to take a giant chunk out of our savings account to do it, because we can leisurely pay $600 per month and have the balance paid in full with ZERO interest charges before we even have a payment due. NICE! Credit cards can be a good thing...if they are used to SAVE money, instead of to waste money on interest charges!

Now I can head off to California tomorrow night (hopefully), satisfied with the fact that we have all of the furniture we need/want for our new living room. That's just one less thing I have to worry about when I get back, during those few days before we have to move.

Stuff makes me happy, but God makes me happier! I want to glorify Him, with my deals and happiness today. Praise God, and let me express how thankful I am for all the gifts He has blessed us with. He has indeed provided for us, by giving us the strength and wisdom to be financially stable enough to make purchases like this without fear of future indebtedness. Yay!

23 September 2010

OCTOBERFEST (with a 'c'): Team Hayes Goes For Broke



Halloween is my favorite holiday. I always look forward to dressing up. I love decorating for Halloween almost as much as I love decorating for Christmas. I am a little sad about the fact that I will not be able to put my decorations up on the 1st of October as usual. However important I have deemed them in the past, decorations are very low on my to-do list in the coming weeks. This is going to be a very busy, not to mention expensive, October for Team Hayes!

Here is the plan so far:

October 1 - Housing pre-inspection. This is when the housing guys come and inspect our house to tell us what we need to return to 'move-in' condition before we vacate. Then we have to fix all of it before turning in the keys, or we get charged who knows how much. Also, we are going to a laser light show/family festival type thing that night to celebrate the new fiscal year, and more importantly Pearl Harbor and Hickam officially becoming a joint base. Free food and bouncy housing? Yes please.



October 2 - We will be headed up north for TSGT Zach Weaver's promotion party. Woo hoo! But, before and after the fun, we will start working on getting the household non-essentials boxed up, and attack some of the things that we will have to improve before our final inspection (taking down curtain rods, replacing the bathroom towel rods that I removed, etc). Did I mention that we have to grow grass in our backyard before we move out?

October 3 - Pack for California! This particular Sunday is going to be a busy one. We will have to empty, clean and deflate the pool in the backyard, roll up and clean the tarp, and then plant grass seed. I will also have to catch up on laundry, and get myself packed and ready to mobilize to California the next day.

October 4 - I will begin the hunt for a space available AMC flight on this Monday. Amanda Foxworthy is getting married on Sunday the 10th, so I should be able to get on a flight with plenty of time. This is going to be a brand new travel experience for me because I have never before traveled with two full size car seats! So, my travel system will need a little bit of buffering and fine tuning.



October 5-8 - These are ambiguous days for us because we will either be playing the standing-by-to-fly game, or arriving in California, procuring a rental car, and heading to Salinas/Sacramento. Who knows!? It's always a little bit of an adventure for us. I would love to go for a walk with Cori and Kate on the morning of Thursday the 7th. I really hope I make it to Travis AFB at least by Friday afternoon so that I can join Jodi's bridal bowling excursion that evening (that will be bridal bowling experience number two for me, in as many weeks). Ideally, I'd get on a Tuesday late night flight, land at Travis around 8 am on Wednesday, get a rental car around 10 am, pick up a platter of Chick-fil-A nuggets, and head for Nine Months and Beyond, to meet Stacey and Ginger for an impromptu celebration of their impending non-pregnant-ness (aka baby celebration). Also, I need to see Glen McDowell to check out our family photos, and settle the bill with him so we can finally change the picture at the top of this blog! Yay!



October 9 - If I haven't made it to Salinas by this point, then I am likely in Hawaii, pouting about missing Amanda's wedding and kicking myself for being too cheap to buy a plane ticket. Hopefully, though, I will be shacked up at Kylie's...maybe even enlisting a babysitter so she and I can go out to enjoy a bit of our favorite pastime (karaoke!).

October 10 - Amanda get's married! Yay! I'll be leaving the kids with Aunt Kylie, and heading to Carmel, dateless, to witness the vows of one of my favorite people to one of her favorite people. Aw, I'm tearing up. I love love!

October 11 - The fight for a return flight begins! I love that I have family close by to deal with me and my kids when we get jerked around by the AMC system. I need to make it clear that I hold no ill will for the AMC system because of how it "jerks me around". I am actually SUPER grateful to have access to the opportunities that are provided to me and my family by the AMC. I guess I am just spoiled from all angles!

October 12-15 - Hopefully arriving back in Honolulu by Friday the 15th. If we get stuck in Farifield for a day or two, maybe another free tour of the Jelly Belly factory will be in order....or maybe this time I can catch the newly engaged Kaysie Herrera (soon to be Pino) for dinner in Concord.



October 16 - Navy Ball! Yay, dress whites for Brad and another reason for me to get prettied up!. I really hope that I make it back from California in time because the tickets are $60 a piece this year, it might be the last Navy Ball I get to go to with the Paines, AND the Weavers are coming! Also, Melynda just might wear my bridesmaid dress from Stacey's wedding! I was really skinny then, but not THAT skinny...and I am taller than her, so I need to take it in, put a new zipper on, and hem it between now and then. But, I can squeeze that in somewhere, right? Nothing makes me happier than spending time with friends, except for saving my friends money!!! Ha ha. If only I could wear this dress to the Navy Ball this year!



October 17 - Count down to move...4 days! Eek. I need to look for a drop in day care to hang onto the kids for the 18th, 19th, and 20th, so we will be able to pack up and be ready to move on the 21st. Yikes, I'm getting excited and anxious, but I'm sure four days is plenty of time to pack for a move.

October 21-24 - MOVE. Rent a truck, fill it up, drive it around the corner, unload, repeat. That sounds relatively easy and stress free! We plan to just load up one room at a time, then set up the room as it should look as we unload. It should go as smoothly as I am planning, right?

October 25 - Inspection on old house and turn in the keys. Good bye 1944 Nye Place!
Hello, 2725 Gordon Street!



October 26 - relax

October 27-30 - Organize, finish moving in, clean, DECORATE (normal house stuff and Halloween decorations), do some major grocery shopping, prepare the house and make a cake for Sam's Halloween Birthday Party...not to mention celebrating Sam's actual birthday which will be on the 28th. I can't believe he is almost one already!

October 31 - Sam's Halloween Birthday party! Costumes, candy, food, friends, and fun! Plus a little set up and clean up. Trick or Treating is going to be a fun way to end this month! :)

So, that will be our crazy October!

Now, I can't get carried away with thinking that far into the future. Here are somethings I get to do BEFORE October even arrives:

-Clean and organize for housing pre-inspection
-Do about 14 loads of laundry
-buy new furniture
-sew my lion costume and Jocelyn's Dorothy costume
-alter dress for Melynda
-get new brake pads for the van installed, and brake fluid leak fixed
-go see Beauty and the Beast at the Blaisdell Center
-get dressed up for 'formal bowling', followed by karaoke and half price Sansei sushi! <-- I'm really looking forward to that this weekend :)

You know, I was sitting around doing nothing today, and still felt overwhelmed with what the next 5 1/2 weeks has in store for me. I thought that if I wrote it all down, that it wouldn't look like quite so much, and maybe it would relieve a little bit of stress. Oops. Now all I can think about is how much all of this is going to cost...



* Honolulu ladies formal bowling, including bowling, sushi, drinks,etc = $60
* Beauty and the Beast ticket = $40
* fix the van = $100 deductible w/warranty (not too shabby, especially after the free oil change I got today!)
* new couch/love seat/end table/coffee table/tv table/tv and surround sound/computer desk/pillows/throw blankets/wall hangings/lamps/etc = $4000-$5000
* three round trip plane tickets from Honolulu to San Fransisco = $0 :)
* rental car for approximately one week in California = $200 + $500 credit card hold
* Sacramento bridal bowling = $40
* Chik-fil-A nugget tray = $50
* Glen McDowell's tab = I think it will be close to $500
* new hair straightener from Sally's = $100
* Amanda's wedding, including gift, drinks, baby sitting etc =$200
* Jelly Belly factory tour = $0 (yeah right, you know I'm going to spend $20 on fudge!)
* Navy ball tickets = $120
* child care for Navy Ball = $0 :)
* Uhaul rental = who knows, I've never rented a Uhaul before...$50, $100???
* babysitting during move = probably close to $300
* Oh, and the insurance on the van is due by Oct 22 = $318.10

I am afraid to add up the numbers I have listed above. Haha. I think we are nearing $7000 for the month and that doesn't even include groceries, gas, our bills (water delivery/netflix/cell phones/internet), or spending cash. Hey, but guess how much I'm going to be spending on diapers? Yeah, major savings!

I am looking forward to November. Though I will be hosting a ladies luncheon on November 14th, and then Thanksgiving dinner a few short days after that, I do not plan on doing anything else in November. I'm going to be a hermit. Oh wait...I have Christmas shopping to do! :)

Poor Brad. At least he will have some quality time with his birthday present while the kids and I are in California!

19 September 2010

The pitter patter of tiny feet

I have a habit of staying up late, using the computer. Actually, it is less of a habit, and more of an addiction. Brad almost always goes to sleep before me. I'm just kind of a night owl.

Anyway, throughout the last couple of weeks I have been considering changing my night owl ways due to something that totally creeps me out. There is a rat, mouse, squirrel, giant gecko, or other creature of that sort living in my ceiling! I'm pretty sure it's 'nest' is under the floorboards of our upstairs hallway, and DIRECTLY above my computer desk.

Eek. I can hear it right now, scampering around. As I type this, I am having to go back and fix all the typos that I'm creating because I keep getting chills and cannot type easily with shaking hands.

Ick. Last week, our rodent guest was hyper and was running around so fast that it was running into things and making other obnoxious sounds in addition to the creepy tapping of tiny claws. I was freaked out. When I finally went upstairs to go to bed, I couldn't sleep. I was up ALL night, staring at the ceiling, listening to the critter in the silence.

I have heard it nearly every night since, and cannot figure out why I have yet to call housing to let them know about it. I haven't been sleeping well. I have even had dreams of this creature keeping Jocelyn company in her bed as she sleeps. YUCK! However, when I wake up in the morning I seem to forget about it, then every night when I am reminded, it is too late to call the housing office.

I really need to start going to bed earlier! It's 11:00 now, and I'm going to head up to bed, but probably won't be able to sleep until around 1:00. :(

*shiver*

04 September 2010

Inflamed

What do you call it when you have your appendix removed? An appendectomy.

What do you call it when you have your tonsils removed? A tonsillectomy.

What do you call it when you have a gender reassignment to become a man? An addadictomy.

:)

So, I started having some tummy pains on Thursday afternoon while watching "The Back Up Plan" with Steph and Amy. At first I considered that it was due to eating too much spinach at lunch. Then I was bummed, thinking it was menstrual cramps (which made me sad because I was hoping not to have a period for another year or so due to pregnancy). I took some acetaminophen and then also some ibuprofen. No relief. I went to the bathroom like twelve times. No relief. If it's not cramps, and it's not gas, what is it? When Brad got home from work I tried to lay down for an hour or so. I couldn't even get comfortable enough to close my eyes. I finally let him convince me to go to the ER.

We checked in at 7:00 pm. At 1:30 am, after a pelvic exam, drinking 64 oz of contrast (ick), a CT scan, and lots of waiting, the doc finally came and told me that they were going to have to take my appendix out. They explained that I had a stone in my appendix, made out of poop, and that this what was causing it to be inflamed and swollen. How does poop get into one's appendix? Who knows? But, of course it would happen to me.

An appendectomy is a pretty run of the mill procedure. They are performed several times per day at any decent sized hospital. I am not scared of surgery. However, I really wanted to keep my appendix. I am kind of attached to it. In fact, at Thanksgiving dinner for the last few years, I have officially expressed my thankfulness for still having one. You see, my loveliest friend Melynda had her appendix removed in November of 2006.



Brad and I have teased her about it ever since, by bringing it up at Thanksgiving dinners and whenever else we could slip it in. "Melynda, you would have known the answer to that question if you still had an appendix." "Melynda, I can do this better than you because I still have an appendix." It just so happens that Melynda was the one who came over to watch my kids so Brad could take me to the hospital. When Brad returned home to inform her that I was no longer going to have an appendix, I'm sure she delighted in the sweet irony of the moment. In fact, I returned home last night to balloons from Melnda, one of which read, "congratulations". THIS is what made me sad about having to get my appendix out. :)




Then it got worse. I asked, "What is the recovery time for this surgery?" I was told that I could not participate in any strenuous activity for 6 weeks! WHAT?!!? If you read my last blog, you know that I have FINALLY found the motivation to eat right and work out so I can lose some weight, and just get healthy. I actually paid money for boot camp classes! Those classes are starting on Tuesday. Guess who can't go! I am not even supposed to lift over ten pounds for the first 2 weeks! That means, I cannot lift Sam out of the crib and carry him down stairs, put him in the car or the stroller or the high chair. If I lift anything over ten pounds, I might get a hernia! Great. I definitely don't want that to happen.

Brad and I were going to run the Honolulu Marathon in December. I don't think that is going to happen for me now. Missing out on 6 weeks of training is a lot! However, I really don't think I will have to wait the full six weeks. They told me to wait six weeks after giving birth and I was running before Sam was four weeks old. I know my body, and I know that I will feel fine sooner than they expect, but still. I am bummed about having to quit just as soon as I get in the zone! This always happens and it makes me feel like such a quitter!. I hope and pray, I will be able to get back on track just as soon as I start feeling better.

They did the surgery lapriscopically, in which they make three tiny incisions. They cut one hole in my belly button, one right above my pelvic bone, and one on the left side of my belly, inflated my belly with CO2 so they could see what they were doing, moved all my other organs out of the way, then pulled my appendix from the right side of my body, across my tummy and out the hole on the left side. My throat hurts more than my tummy does, and I'm not even going to have any cool scars. :(


On the bright side. I haven't had to take any of the roxicet (oxycodone) that they sent me home with. I am walking around just fine. I have a normal appetite with no nausea (which is why they let me out of the hospital early last night). I kind of just feel like I did 300 sit ups last night and my abs are a little sore and swollen. I can drive, and do other things that I need to do, while Brad deals with the kids. :) Also, the OR guys gave me a beautiful orange hued mystic tan on my very white belly (unfortunately it washed off in the shower).




I might milk it for what it's worth. BUT, I am going to keep eating healthy! I had a cookie with lunch at the hospital yesterday, but I'm counting that as my cheat day. We are going to go on a nice long walk before dinner. We are grilling swordfish steaks and asparagus. Yum!

On a side note, I got a little teary eyed when the pregnancy test in the ER came back negative. But, it turned out to be a great thing because I might have been stuck with my appendix and a whole lot of weak antibiotics because they couldn't give me anesthetics for the surgery if I were pregnant. Now, we are taking a couple months off from trying to conceive, so we can travel next summer. We will start trying again in early 2011. I'm sad that we won't be having a third child as soon as we had planned, but I guess this was how it was supposed to be. The doctors said we couldn't even practice making a baby for a few weeks after the surgery, anyway. :(

01 September 2010

I don't really want to do this...

Okay, here are my September 1, 2010 "before" photos. Yes, photos. Plural. I have decided to post three of them, and I will tell you why. When you see ads for weight-loss-whatever, the before photo always shows the person making them self look fatter with bad posture and a depressed facial expression. Then, in the after photo, they are strategically posed, sucking it in, and super happy. I could take both of those pictures right now! So, I did. This "before" series of photos includes one sticking-it-out/sad-faced photo, one just-standing-there-normally photo, and one trying-to-suck-it-in-and-pose photo. The three fattest versions of me are as follows:

Fat, ugly face, bad posture pose:


Normal, just standing there pose:


Trying unsuccessfully to make myself look skinnier than I really am pose:

Look how much I've accomplished in just 30 seconds!

I plan on posting the same series of three photos on September 30th (taken on September 30th). Here is to hoping they don't look identical to these ones!

Now that this is posted...I actually have to do stuff to ensure that I make a difference! ACK! Wish me luck, motivation, and will power!

Update:
The real before and after (20 pounds lost) of the "standing normally" pose:

24 August 2010

Fat

Some people might consider me to be fat. I do not however consider myself to be fat. I like to think of it a bit differently. I HAVE fat. I have a little bit extra here and there, but it doesn't define me. Though I will not let myself be defined by this word, I have come to terms with the fact that 1/3 of me IS in fact fat. Now, what am I going to do about this?

First of all, my ovulation predictor tests have all been coming back negative.

In fact, the little pink line (the one that is supposed to be dark if I am about to ovulate) keeps getting lighter each time I take a test. So, I am not allowing myself to get my hopes up regarding impending pregnancy. Instead, I am going to whip myself into shape so that when I try this conception thing again in late December, I will go into it not only looking good, but in the best physical and mental health of my life.

My problem with the Hibiscus Half Marathon goal, was that I concentrated too much on the goal of finishing the race. I SHOULD have been concentrating on just being fit and healthy. I didn't eat right at all, or even monitor progress. As long as I was going to finish the race in a decent amount of time, that's all that mattered. That was the completely wrong idea. However,I achieved my goal! Now, at least I know I can do something if I really set my mind to do it. I just need to make more specific goals about the results I want to see happen to my body!

Today I signed up for twice weekly boot camp classes for the month of September. I actually paid money, which is really unlike me because there are free classes at the base gym. Anyway, the classes include child care on site, and actual documentation of progress. I was weighed, taped, and what not.

I am 35% FAT! Technically, that is 'at risk'. ICK! Today I learned that I am made up of approximately 5 pounds of bones, 90 pounds of muscle, 5 pounds of hair/skin/teeth/etc...and 55 pounds of FAT! I do not like that ratio.



At the little measurement meeting I had with Christina (the boot camp chick), she also gave me a little diet coaching. THIS is my big downfall. She suggested doing (or not doing) things that I couldn't ever imagine doing. Not eating past 7:30 pm EVER? No freaking way! No carbs past 10 am? No freaking way! But then I realize that there is a reason that I didn't lose a SINGLE pound while training for a half marathon. My eating habits SUCK. I have always just accepted this as something that will never change, because unlike Kate Moss I think there are plenty of things that taste better than skinny feels! However, I have a new goal, a goal that will require me to do things that I don't necessarily want to do. Don't all real goals require that at one point or another anyway? I am going to try, really try, to follow her eating guidelines for the month of September.

I will take a before picture on September 1st, and I will post it ON September 1st. If I wait to see if I actually have results before posting the before photo, I will not be nearly as motivated to produce results. Hopefully, that will add some accountability.

I realize that nobody who reads this blog is even nearly curious about what I will be eating, or the exercise that I will be doing (I will be running for cardio three times a week in addition to the boot camp classes), so even though I will be logging all of this for my personal benefit, I won't post all of the details online. BUT, if you want to pop in and comment on facebook, something like, "Amy, you better not be eating any crap right now!" that would be greatly appreciated...because I need accountability. Be mean even! :)

This boot camp has the added bonus of competition. There is a biggest loser prize each month. Unfortunately, I don't have a very good chance at wining because I just don't have as much to lose as some people. But, that is not going to stop me from trying! I am very competitive, and competition is one of the best motivators for me!

Let's do it!!!

22 August 2010

CRAP

I've been using breastfeeding as a contraceptive, and I didn't even know it!

Blast. 98%? I only had a 2% chance of getting pregnant back in March and April and I wasted so much money (and hope) on pregnancy tests! Haha. :)

I am supplementing earlier next time...for so many reasons!


From Wikipedia and the World Health Organization:

Use of breastfeeding as contraceptive

The World Health Organization states that demand breastfeeding is more than 98% effective as a contraceptive in the first six months postpartum. This effect is said to be responsible for the natural spacing of children seen in countries where contraception is not widely available, and is thought to be an evolutionary means of ensuring adequate care is provided to each newborn. The 98% effectiveness applies only if three criteria are met:

1. The mother has had no menstrual periods at all (amenorrhea)
2. The baby is exclusively breast-fed
3. It is six months or less since birth.


* A fourth criterion has also been mentioned: The baby does not go for longer than 5 hours between feedings (i.e. while sleeping)

If one or more of these conditions are broken, lactational amenorrhea is no longer a reliable form of birth control. This contraceptive method is highly effective as long as the three conditions stated above are fulfilled. Further, the WHO suggests that a woman who is still amenorrheic (no menstrual periods) has a less-than-5% chance of getting pregnant in the first year of her baby's life, as long as she is still breastfeeding on demand.

17 August 2010

Blessings and money. Have people forgotten how to count?

This has been sitting in my blog draft folder for 24 hours now. I'm finally going to hit the publish button. Goodnight.

"My job is to get men to do what they don't want to do, in order to achieve what they've always wanted to achieve." -Tom Landry

"Accountability is a negative feedback loop based on positivity, victimization is a positive feedback loop based on negativity." -Adam Kampa

This is going to be long and all over the place.

Let me start this off by saying that I know I have MANY faults. I know that I am a greedy, materialistic, narcissistic, envious, sinful, hypocritical and horrible human being. But, let's face it so are you. There are many different degrees to these things, but they are all SIN. Please do not try to convince yourself that they are not, or that you do not possess any of these lovely qualities.

Greed = convincing yourself that you DESERVE things that you have not yet earned. This includes tangible things, like an expensive pair of sunglasses, a fancy camera, or a motorcycle...as well as things that are not tangible, such as the respect of your coworkers and the understanding of your neighbors. For example: You could consider me greedy for thinking that I deserve to have my opinions heard, when I have done nothing to earn your attention.

I really don't like the word DESERVE. None of us really deserve anything. We are entitled to some things, but that doesn't mean we have earned them or that we should even take advantage of them. God sent his son to die for our sins so that we could have eternal life. NONE of us deserved that, but we would be silly not to take advantage of it. Still, we should work to earn the earthly things we have been blessed with in our lives, and STOP trying to convince ourselves that we deserve things we are not willing to work for first. Please don't think you deserve blessings like meeting the love of your life, or coming into financial good standing if you have not made changes within yourself to facilitate those things. There are different types of "living in sin", and living in excessive debt with no shame or guilt is one of them. Denying this or trying to justify it is quite pathetic in my eyes...yet, I'm sure I will even get comments on this blog, of people trying to justify themselves to me. You don't have to explain anything to me...justify it to yourself! Just try! Prove nothing to anyone but yourself.

Having things that you have not yet paid for, means that you don't own them. How can you call something yours, when it is not. How can anyone allow themselves to feel good about that. It's what Brad calls "All hat and no cattle". Think about it. Are you all hat and no cattle? Did you take a loan out to buy the hat to appear as though you have cattle when you do not? If you don't have cattle, why is it so important to you that people think you do? Everyone is way too caught up with appearances. I have friends who would not be caught dead driving my car. Who are they trying to impress? I have cattle, people. And I don't need the hat to prove it. It feels good and I want other people to be able to know this feeling as well. Sadly most people will never give themselves the chance.

I have been super frustrated for the past month because of the bad decisions that other people make and the ways they try to justify them. It's gross. I really wish I wasn't so bothered by this. I really just want to get over it because having evil thoughts in my heart toward so many people, to include people I don't even know AND people that I love dearly, isn't any less of a sin than what I am judging them for. I know people who are praying for me to find peace with this issue, but I'm hoping that venting about it will help me reach that point! Unfortunately, my candid thoughts might ruffle some feathers in the process. Please keep a very open mind if you choose to go on reading.

Regardless of feathers, I have decided to just let it all out. I apologize if anyone feels targeted by what I have to say. I might use examples, but it's not like those people are alone, when there are thousands of other people out there doing the exact same thing. This is definitely NOT directed at any one person. This is directed at ALL Americans who are living beyond their means and not holding themselves accountable for their decisions: YOU PISS ME OFF! How can people live life thinking that they deserve so much that they have NOT yet earned! Some people will NEVER earn the things that they have. They will die in debt. What makes you so much better than me, that you think you deserve better things than me even when you cannot afford them? You might think that I am over reacting here, but I am hurt! My feelings are hurt when you go out and buy a brand new car while my husband is driving a $900 car, but he makes twice as much money as you. Do you really need that status? Do you have yourself convinced that you DESERVE it? Why don't I deserve it? What are you saying about me? I can tell you that I am happy with what I have. I count my blessings every day and try my best not to take all of the excesses that we have for granted. What does that say about you? You have to have an expensive purse and a fancy car to be happy? That is SAD. Now, if you are making $250,000 a year, by all means go ahead and have a fancy purse and a new Mercedes...and be happy with those things. If you are making $40,000 a year with a family...who are you kidding? How can you live in that kind of sin and be completely unaware of it? Do you really think that people can’t see how materialistic you are? Having a new car now is honestly more important than stability of your family's financial future? That is what you are saying to me. You don't see it, and you will refuse to see it, but it makes you look bad. It makes me sad that most people just don't care, and will tell themselves that they aren't doing anything wrong. However, I can say without a doubt, that I am not the only person who feels this way. I just might be the only one speaking up about it. If you really care what people think about you (which is why you live beyond your means in the first place), consider that many people are thinking the things that I am saying right now. People are just too afraid to address this subject because they have the attitude, "whatever, it's not my problem." Well, it is my problem. It's my problem because I sincerely care about the stability of your financial future, and your happiness in the long run.

Brad and I live in E-6 and below military housing. It is safe to say that we know pretty close to what our neighbors make (assuming none of them have been left hefty inheritances). There was a time, before we got two sets of lovely new neighbors, when our neighbors to the right had a new BMW, and our neighbors to the left had a Porsche Cayenne. Brad is an E-7 and he drives a 1997 Mitsubishi Galant, and I drive a 2002 Ford Windstar. Something is absolutely wrong with that picture. Don't you agree? And those neighbors with $500 car payments are the ones complaining about the Military, and how they don’t pay well enough! Seriously? Are you incapable of being thankful for anything? The Navy is the best thing that ever happened to you!

What? You say you aren't hurting anyone? Why should I let this bother me so much? THESE people ARE hurting EVERYONE! Why do you think the economy is falling apart? It's because people make stupid financial decisions, buy things they cannot afford, do not save for worse case scenarios and then complain, cry and blame someone else when the sh** hits the fan. It is really hard for me to feel sympathy for people who are victims of their own bad decisions. In fact, people who are victims of their own decisions shouldn't be considered victims at all! I heard about 100 too many commercials for debt consolidation and bankruptcy when I spent 30 hours in the car last month. Those commercials can be to blame for this blog because they are what really got me all fired up. I am literally sickened by how these commercials victimize people who are essentially criminals! People who claim bankruptcy because they have car payments and mortgages that they cannot afford, have court judgments against them because they have broken the law or betrayed someone, or have 40 thousand dollars in credit card debt (while watching their 50" LED TVs from their $2000 leather couch and driving their $30,000 cars) ARE NOT VICTIMS! Gag. These people are hurting others. Someone has to pick up the tab! Do they really think that they are faultless and innocent in all of this? Do they really think people are going to listen and believe them when they try to justify themselves with a sob story? The sad answer to that is, Yes! Our society encourages this kind of thing and it makes feel sick.

What about Miss Smith? She should be in jail! As far as I am concerned she is guilty of criminal destruction of property. She destroyed our house, caused $13,000 worth of damage, and caused us to lose over $4,000 in rent as it sat empty while we returned it to a status in which it could be rented again...FROM JAPAN. We won a $17,000 court judgment against her after investing a couple grand in a lawyer. She owes us over $17,000!!! But, she is a victim. Her life is so horrible because people keep filing wage garnishments against her (not us unfortunately, we are still in line for that). Poor little thing! Why doesn't she just claim bankruptcy? Hallelujah, that's the answer! She can be saved from the harassment of bill collectors with one easy phone call to the bankruptcy lawyer hot line. My skin is crawling. We will never see a penny for the financial and emotional inconveniences she has caused us, which includes putting a strain on our marriage...which is embarrassing to admit because she should have ZERO control over that!

Don't even get me started on Lynn What's-her-face from that whole truck deal in Omaha. I'm pretty sure that her life sucks big time right now (which is what I was trying to help her avoid, but she turned her back on me and didn't honor our contract). There was a time when I looked at Lynn with a "poor thing" point of view. I invested a lot of money and a sincere friendship in order to help her. That backfired and I might have lost some money, but she is the one who lost out on a great friend and the potential of a better life for herself. Yes, her parents influenced her away from me...but you know what, it was still her decision to make and it is really hard for me to find sympathy in my heart for liars. She took advantage of me, plain and simple. And what did that teach me? Don’t be friendly and sympathetic unless you wanted to get hurt. Great.

The good news is that we could afford Lynn and Miss Smith. Lynn was my fault, I stepped willingly into that flooded pothole, but if Miss Smith happened to you, could you afford that? If faced with sudden unfortunate financial circumstances that were out of your control, would you say, "Why is this happening to me? How am I going to afford this?" Owning a home is a huge responsibility, and as much as people want to blame banks for handing out money like candy to people who cannot really afford a mortgage (much less the countless other financial strains that could arise for a homeowner), people need to realize what they are getting into and PREPARE for it before they make a big financial decision like buying a house! Now, there are so many different levels to this...nobody can really prepare for their $600,000 house to suddenly only be worth $300,000 while they are not even living in it! And the banks aren't innocent either. However, it's the people who don't care, or who don't think they have a responsibility to make payments on something that they signed their name to, swearing to make payments. You, my friends are not victims.

Perhaps I am just weak and jealous. I cannot handle seeing the stay at home wife of an E-3, who is 19 years old and pregnant with her third child, driving a $30,000 minivan, buying everything in sight, and pushing a $700 stroller because she "deserves it with this one" and "It's what's best for my kids". I CANNOT STAND THIS KIND OF THING! Are you saying that my van is not good enough for my kids? Really? Yes, your van is quite nice, but I am not looking at it with envy. I don't want your van! I am content with my van because it is what we have earned, and I am proud of that. I am proud to have paid cash for it and not be throwing away money on interest, when that money could be saved for more important things. It might not be new, or beautiful, or under warranty, but it has been a good car and it is what we could afford with the cash in our pockets. I think it is shameful to drive something that so ultimately betrays your earnings. You are misrepresenting yourself. That is NOT what is best for your kids. What is best for your kids is not being a greedy, materialistic person who puts the financial stability of their family at stake for things that you just had to have now, "because it will be worth it". Define worth. You can't can you? You never know what the worth of something will be in the long run, until you get to the end of the long run. Then, when it turns out not to be not so "worth it", it will be too late. I don't ever want to see my friends and family come to this realization!

Let me set this straight. I have a $500 stroller...two of them actually. However I would not even have one of them if I had to pay full price for them. The first one was brand new from my sister for $200 because the company mailed it to her by mistake and told her to keep it. Then the Air Force broke that one, and bought me a new one. Brad rigged up the old broken one so that it could hold the kids, but it will not fold up or go in the van or anything. So, I might look spoiled with my $1000 worth of strollers, one for the park and one for the van...but you are OUT OF YOUR MIND if you think I would by a $500 stroller, much less two of them. I am way too cheap for that.

Speaking of cheap. Why do people always view "cheap" as a word with such a negative connotation. If you don't have the cash in the bank to buy the purse, car, clothing, computer, etc that you desire...don't get it. Period. Why aren't people capable of that? Why should people who are frugal be looked down upon? What gives everyone else this sense of entitlement? Seriously. I once knew a girl who went to the bank and took out a $2000 personal loan to buy a Louis Vuitton bag! Why would anyone spend so much money on something to hold their money, when they don't have any money? That's nuts right? Well, putting a $300 coach bag on a credit card is essentially the same thing.

You, with $50,000 in consumer debt. Why are you complaining about the economy? This is your fault!

Yes, I said it.

And WIC? Oh man I hate WIC. I used to love WIC because, hey it was free and I was entitled to it. Then I realized that someone had to pay for it! Yes, I was on WIC when I could have afforded to buy my own groceries. I am ashamed to admit it. I took advantage of it because it was offered, and I could. Who doesn't like free stuff, right? Well, it's not free. I couldn't handle someone else being forced to pay for my milk and cheese any longer, so I stopped. WIC is great for people with low income, who use it as the nutrition education program that it is meant to be, and then apply their savings to things that they need to survive. If I paid taxes, I wouldn't mind contributing to a program in which people who really needed food for their babies, could have food for their babies. However, if you are driving an expensive car, wearing $60 jeans, and carrying a $150 hand bag...do you really need someone else to buy your groceries? Like I said before, I am greedy and materialistic too. I am not innocent of any of the things that I am complaining about. I need to change too, just not nearly as much as some other folks. I am not saying that everyone on WIC is lacking morals, but really stop and think...can you afford your own groceries? If so, why are you making someone else pay for them? Do you not feel as though that is wrong?

You don’t need to tell me that I am a hypocrite. I already know. I am guilty of every single one of the things that has pissed me off this past month. Yup, but I can admit it was disgusting and I now know that it was wrong (for the most part). That is what gives me hope for everyone else. Hope for everyone else is part of why I am writing this blog. I have hope that maybe some people will look in the mirror and start being smarter, more grateful, and less worried about status. When I was 21, I had four credit cards, with a combined balance of $4500...maxed out. I owed a good friend about $1500 for helping me out multiple times when I really needed it (like when I couldn’t pay for my insurance, because my whole check went to my stupid huge car payment), I owed my mom $5000, and had just borrowed $16,000 from my dad. Oh and then there was the balance that I owed on my $32,000 SUV that I HAD to have when I was 18. Disgusting right? Yes it was. And it still would be if someone didn't tell me I was being ridiculous! Thank God for Brad! Believe me when I say that I know how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that I was being irresponsible and stupid. Brad had to give me a lesson that I didn't want to hear. I wanted to justify every purchase that he told me that I could live without. Thank God I finally got a clue! I might sound like a giant hypocrite here (because I am), but if I can pull myself out of that confused cloud of abusive consumerism, YOU CAN TOO. That is why I am saying all of this! Stop denying that you are doing anything wrong and CHANGE! It's never too late! Yes, I've been there and been just as bad as anyone... BUT I was single and didn't have a family to plan a future for. If I got in too deep, I wasn’t taking my innocent kids down with me. I am so glad that I can now focus on providing for my family, not with instant gratification, name brand clothes, $350 car seats, and a $35,000 SUV...but with a secure future. A debt free present and future! When your kid is 18, do you think they are going to prefer having had a Barbie Jeep Power Wheel when they were 4, or $500 in a savings account to help them go to college?

I paid my friend back the $1500 and then some as soon as I got the loan from my dad. I also got lucky. My mom cleared my debt with her (which I always thought was kind of bogus anyway), Brad paid off and canceled my credit cards after we got married, and we wrote my dad a monthly check to pay him off (which we did over a year early with $2000 in interest). It felt really good to be free of that past. I didn't have to work as hard as some people to clear that debt, because I was lucky enough to marry someone who was very money smart, and proud of the fact that he had never had a credit card, or even bought anything that he didn't have the cash in his pocket for (except his house, of course). I am more thankful for that than anyone will ever know! Even though, everyone cannot be lucky enough to marry someone like that, you can get the same help from someone if you really want it. You can become that person that Brad is (financially). If you can't hold yourself accountable, find someone who will. Even after Brad helped me clear my debt, I still struggled with wanting things that I hadn't earned. I got really mad at him for saying no to me so many times. I got defensive, felt judged, and called him names (I have a feeling some of you reading this are feeling the same way about me right now). But it NEEDED To happen for me to get on the right track. So, if you hate me right now, that's okay. If you think I hate you, you are dead wrong. Yes, I am pissed off by some of the decisions that people make, but I wouldn't let it bother me so much if I really didn't care about their future (except for Miss Smith, I honestly don't care if she ends up unhappy). I get mad because I want certain people to be happy, and I think they are confused about what will make them truly happy.

I am not saying don’t get a college loan, or a home loan, a small business loan, or even a car loan. I'm just saying that you should have a plan in place to be able to pay for these things. Then, you should have a back up plan, and another back up plan. All of these plans involve savings. Protect yourself, people! Be smart!

Credit abuse is a learned habit. Do you want your kids to be independent and smart with money, or struggling to get everything paid on time each month? Teaching them that it is OKAY to not always have the finer things in life is a very important lesson! Who are the Jonses anyway? I bet they have massive amounts of debt! Stop trying to keep up, and make your own pace.

Sacrifice? Can you define sacrifice? I'd like to try. Let’s look at this sentence.

Amy and Brad Hayes had a very happy and wealthy retirement because of sacrifices that they made when they were a young family.

Nope, I don't think that is the proper use of the word. I don't think we are sacrificing anything! Sacrifice is doing without. Yes, we are doing without things like new vehicles, new furniture, cable, laptops, fancy phones, etc...BUT, we are definitely not doing WITHOUT. I think we have a very good standard of living, even with saving over $1000 each month. Yes, that is a lot to save...but we still have more than enough to live on. We are not giving up anything that is not easy to live without. Are there sometimes things that I wish I had, but have to turn down? YES!!! But it is easy to do when I realize what is really important to me.

What is important to you? Really ask yourself that. If your sincere answer is that those jeans, that car, this name brand purse/makeup/jewelry/sunglasses, a big TV with satellite sports and movie channels, what other people think about your furniture and home decor, etc is what really makes you happy in life...that's totally fine.....if you have the money in the bank for those things. If you don't have the money, but you still feel as though you DESERVE those things...I feel sorry for you. Even if you don't plan on paying for your kids to go to college (why wouldn't you, if you could?), having savings for emergencies and just raising your kids to use credit responsibly is enough of a reason to change your habits.

When I ask myself what is really important, these are my answers:

-Making my husband happy, and proud of me (since it is his opinion, above all others, that matters to me most)
-Keeping my kids healthy and happy (this DOES NOT require owning a power wheels toy or an expensive van)
-Living a financially and morally responsible life as an example to my kids, so they can learn and focus on what is really important
-being grateful for what I have and teaching my kids to be grateful
-practicing compassion and stewardship
-having a sincere relationship with Christ, working toward the ultimate gift of eternal life (which I am aware that I will never deserve or be able to earn, but I feel as though I should still strive to do good things)

Do I suck at these things most of the time? Absolutely. That is why I must keep reminding myself of them. I have gone into Target and tried on clothes for an hour, placed $120 worth of items in my cart, walked around the store and picked out a couple of other things for the kids, stopped for a moment to think, then walked around the store again to put everything back, and walked out empty handed. It is a hard thing to do, but it feels SO good! I didn't need any of that stuff to be happy. I'm not saying to never buy things for yourself, but really think about your purchases every time you make them. Weigh what is in the cart against what is really important to you. It doesn't always work, but most of the time I can put stuff back without hesitation when I consider that I can manage to be happy without those things, and that that money could be spent on something much more important down the road.

Some people would never even consider doing this. Are you the type that is too embarrassed to put things back? Let me ask you this...Have you ever had your credit/debit card not work when checking out at the grocery store? Have you ever had an insufficient funds receipt print out when trying to take cash out of the ATM? I know those things have happened to me. They are the epitome of embarrassment! I have had bad dreams about those things happening to me. How can some people continue to let these things happen to them? Why can't people learn from these experiences and make an effort to keep them from happening again and again? Our society has made people way too comfortable with living paycheck to paycheck, and having debt. It seems as though too many people believe that things will always be okay or work themselves out, or that they can fall back on the government or their family and friends for help if they need it. Praying to God for help and answers, or stating that He will always provide is bogus if you don’t take the initiative to do the things that need to be done. Charging up a bunch of debt, bouncing checks, and getting your car repossessed, then telling yourself it is all going to be okay because God will provide is just ridiculous. It is one thing to put all of your worries in God’s hands, but YOU need to work at it too! Pray for guidance, not just help! Brad tells me this quite often, "It's all going to be okay, Amy!" And you know what? He is always right! It is always okay FOR US. This is because we have (he has) made arrangements and sacrifices (if you prefer that word) to ensure that we will not have to worry too much.

Amidst my ranting and judging, all I really want is for the people I know and love to not have to worry either. I don't want to see my friends struggling with debt in the future when they should be able to retire and enjoy life. I don't want to be able to pay cash for our house when we retire and send our kids to good colleges so that I can rub it in anyone's face. I NEVER want to say, “I told you so” to anyone. I want for my loved ones to be able to pay cash for their houses and send their kids to good colleges, too (though I realize the house thing is not an option for most people)! Part of my frustration is that this will never happen because people are too worried about what they have to have now. It does make me mad! It does make me want to grab onto you and shake you...for your own good! I do get pissed off at you for having a 4G iPhone when I have a sign-a-2-year-contract-and-get-this-phone-free phone, especially when you are unemployed and broke, and I have a respectable steady income. I love you, therefore I don't think you should have a fancy phone! Doesn't that statement make sense to anyone else? Am I going completely bonkers here?

I am sad that this blog will only paint me as a mean and judgmental person, because the financial planning of Team Hayes is a total minority these days. I am already feeling regret in anticipation of comments I will receive or friends I will lose, though I haven't even posted this yet.

Maybe, just maybe, this raging blog will get through to someone!

I have tried this approach in one-on-one situations with a couple different friends in the past. Once, it failed, blew up in my face big time and I nearly lost a great friend for good. The other times, the people on the other side actually took what I had to say to heart, listened without putting up a defense and asked me to help them. Yay!

Though many people will be prone to the defensive, "Who does Amy think she is?", "I am happy with my big hat, I don’t need cattle " stance....especially because I haven't used the kindest or most tactful words this time, perhaps someone will actually become more responsible because of my words...even if it's for the sole fact that they are worried about what people are thinking of them.

Sigh.

I don’t always say what is on my mind (hard to believe, but true). This time I just really felt the need to get it out there. Is there really that much of a difference between thinking it and saying it? It’s just as bad either way, right? I am upset by the actions of many, and I have written here exactly what has been on my mind. This is who I am, and I am not trying to hide that. If you don't like who I am, that's okay. I am willing to risk losing the favor of certain people in order to be able to open up and not hide how I truly feel. I feel better now. That might sound really selfish, but I hate thinking things about people, and pretending that I don't think those things (though this is a part of life that we all must practice in order to get by). Just know, that if you are reading this, I probably care about you (I don't think too many complete strangers read my blog). If you are on my facebook friends list, I probably care about you at least a little bit. ;) It was not my goal to alienate or offend anyone, but just to empty my mind into a forum where people could see what I was feeling. You all have very good qualities, that make you likable and good people. Sadly though, for many of you, being financially responsible is not one of those qualities. Take from this what you will.

Virtual high five, to everyone out there who sincerely intends on paying back every penny they have ever borrowed before they die, and has a plan to do so. You rock my socks. And, an extra pat on the back for not getting as frustrated as I have, with the people who plan on dying in debt just because they can.

01 July 2010

Flutter By

Something strange happened to me today. For a very brief moment, I honestly believed that my father had faked his own death and moved to Hawaii. No, I did not see someone that looked eerily similar to him (though that happens sometimes). I was stalked by a helicopter, and I convinced my self (or rather, I REALLY wanted to believe) that it was him following me along my run to check up on me.

I was in my living room this morning, in my running gear, getting the kids fed and dressed to load them up into the stroller and head out on our run. A sat down to feed Sam, and I heard a Robinson. This is nothing new. I live across the street from the airport, and I'm pretty sure that Honolulu has a higher helicopter per capita rate than most places. I've grown used to hearing helicopters flutter over my house every day. Sometimes I just smile and think about my dad. Sometimes I get a little sad, especially when I hear a Robinson. I am definitely not trained to recognize other rotor systems and be able to name what kind of helicopter they are, but the sound of a Robinson R44 is one of the most familiar and cherished sounds to me.

I was feeding Sam for a good five minutes or more. I never stopped hearing the helicopter. I thought that was strange. It seemed to be hovering right over my backyard. I proceeded to change Sam's diaper, get him dressed, take Jocelyn potty, get her dressed, and put them both in the stroller, the whole time still wondering why there was a helicopter hovering over my house. I had looked out my back screen door and didn't see anything. As I pushed the stroller out of my front door, I saw it. It was a white Robinson R44 with some small black lettering on the door. It wasn't super low or anything, but it was just hovering directly above the center of my cul-de-sac. I smiled as Jocelyn shouted, "Heycopper, Gruppa!"

We started up the hill on our normal route, and I noticed the helicopter was following me. It seemed to break it's hover to move slowly along as we made our way to the top of the hill. My heart started fluttering. It was just a completely unique feeling, I can't even explain it! I took a picture of it with my phone, then I proceeded to run along. It started circling my neighbor hood (or circling me, as I was convinced). Each time it banked left to circle, I could just imagine myself making eye contact with the pilot across the 800 or so feet that separated us. Then, of course, I imagined seeing my dad in the pilot seat. I fabricated some amazing story in my head about my dad faking his own death and moving to Hawaii to be a tourist pilot (which is absurd because he would probably rather have actually died than worked for someone else). Anyway, I let myself believe my story for a minute. I convinced myself that flying circles around while I ran was his way of letting me know he was still alive. I KNOW, I'm a weirdo.

I ran for 45 minutes and about 4 miles. The R44 was there for every step. I took a picture about every four or five minutes. There was a period of time that I was running under the H-1, in which I could not see or hear it, but when I came out the other side, it was there.

I don't believe in communication from dead people. I know a lot of people who do, but I do not. I do believe in signs from God, even though I'm not sure I believe that God would really spend a whole lot of time and effort giving me signs. Whatever the reason, or coincidence, I love the feeling that I get when stuff like this happens. I love the feeling that I got when I was at a stoplight a couple weeks ago, behind a car that was the exact same as my dad's, with a bumper sticker from his favorite fast food place on it, at the same time that 'Ride of the Valkyries' was playing in the background of the radio DJ, as a helicopter and airplane flew in formation right across the sky in front of me. It's THAT feeling. The feeling that is exciting and scary and makes you smile even as you are thinking to yourself, "Nobody is going to believe this actually happened". Nobody even needs to believe that it happened, because it is a moment that was meant for you and nobody can take away that feeling once it has happened. Whether these types of things are coincidence or some high power trying to communicate something to me, I'm just glad it happens. It just feels good.

It feels good to feel loved. These experiences seem to communicate love to me. As I sprinted into my driveway at the end of my run, the R44 took off toward Waikiki. And as I stretched, it disappeared into the distance. Nuts. A coincidence could never have had better timing. As crazy as it sounds, I feel consumed by fatherly love today. My father's love, and God's love. I just have this amazing sense that I am being watched over and cared for. As much as I struggled with believing it while he was alive, my father did love me and care about me. It really sucks that it took his death and some silly "signs" for me to truly FEEL it. Perhaps he is taking communication classes somewhere in the afterlife? I'm not one to glorify people upon their death, my dad had his faults, but I now realize that being unloving was not one of them.

On a completely different note, Jocelyn yelled, "Hurry up mommy, hurry up!" about 573 times during our run today. I wanted to smack her, but chose instead to thank her for for being so cute and so motivational (urgh).

On another completely different note, I think the last half mile of our run today was the fastest half mile I have ever done. We were cruising down Nimitz in the shade of the H-1, when we see a bicycle headed our way. I stay as far to the right of the jogging path as I can to give this guy plenty of room to get by...but he stops like 30 yards before us, gets off his bike and disappears behind a concrete support for the highway. I freaked out, like he was going to jump out and attack me as I ran by. Nope. As we ran by, he was standing there peeing...not even with his back to us! I saw his wanger! Oh my. I was so scared. What kind of person would see me coming with two kids in a stroller, and decided that was a good time to whip it out and take a leak...facing the street!?!?. Creep! I ran so fast, looking over my shoulder to make sure he didn't get back on his bike and follow me home! Anyway, my mood was brightened again once I emerged from under the highway to see that the R44 was still there, looking out for me! :)













These pictures are horrible because they were taken with my crummy cell phone, but the helicopter was a lot closer than it appears to be in the pictures.