31 October 2008

Just kidding

The previous blog was posted during the time immediately after the "mistake" that I thought I had made. I was very emotional about the fact that I had lost someone that I considered a good friend. It was kind of dramatic and self-pitying. I'm sorry for that. The truth is, and I have come to realize this with the help of many (real) close friends, that I did not make a mistake at all. I am not going to apologize when I don't mean it and I am not going feel bad about doing something that I would have wanted someone to do for me. I am not going to feel bad about taking a risk to help someone, when they can't even pause to consider what I have to say. I am going to tell myself that this person is unaware of what a great friend I am and that I am not the one losing in this situation. That may sound very egotistical to say, but it's the truth. What I actually learned from this whole thing is that HONESTY is always best, no matter what (and that people who don't feel that way should not claim to).

29 October 2008

Go ahead, everyone else is thinking the same thing

Today I made one of the top five biggest mistakes I have ever made in my entire life. I hurt someone and I hurt myself. I told myself that I was doing the right thing. It took me days, weeks, even months to convince myself that it was the right thing to do (I even ignored my husbands opinion, telling myself that he didn't fully understand the situation). Well, I don't usually have a problem admitting that I was wrong. In this case, I was absolutely wrong. But, this time it IS hard for me to admit it to myself because I convinced myself, and other people convinced me, that I was doing something good. Nope. Not even close. I wish that it would have done the good that I intended it to do, but the situation turned into the absolute worst possible scenario that I could have imagined. I made myself believe that wouldn't happen, but it did.

I have a thing about mistakes, especially about giant mistakes. I learn from them. Those bad decisions that are in my top five, ten, or even fifty, are things that I am NOT going to repeat. I am going to try my hardest in the future to not do similar things that will make me suffer emotionally, the way I am suffering now...with guilt, frustration, and self-loathing. I will definitely try even harder to avoid making others suffer the way that I have made a loved one suffer today. I sometimes tell myself that it is okay to hurt someone's feelings or to be 'honest to a fault' if it is for the overall good of that person. Well, I learned that this method does not apply to all people. Some people would rather hear what they want to hear and defend themselves to the end because they feel so judged by your honest opinion. Today I lost a friend that I considered one of the closest friends I have ever had. I wish I could have avoided telling her the things that I was convinced she needed to hear. Who the hell do I think I am...trying to tell other people how to fix their lives? I thought I was being a caring, invested, and sincere friend. WRONG! I was a judgmental, nosy, and hurtful friend.

I know that I will make bigger mistakes in the future that will push this one out of the top five. We all make bad decisions that we regret. However, those future mistakes will be new and I will learn from them as well. I am going to need a long time to feel better about this one. It has happened now and I cannot change it. That's life. It sucks.

Everyone should realize that just because you are really close friends with someone, that does not mean that they are the same kind of person that you are. You cannot validate your decisions by telling yourself, "Well, I'd want someone to do this for me, so she will appreciate me doing it for her." Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

I have only had, maybe, 6 friendships in my life that could be considered as important to me as the friendship that I had with the friend I lost today. This causes HUGE sadness for me, and it is all my fault.

I will never buy a new car again, I will never again buy new clothes when I cannot my pay bills, I will never throw broken glass in my husbands face again, I will never sit my 7 month old on the top of a picnic table again, I will never stop talking to my sister for a year again because she made a mistake that I, myself have made, I will never eat a hamburger AND put on mascara while driving again, I will never again have sex with someone that does not love me and whose medical history I do not know(I am assuming this would never be an option anyway as I plan to be married to Brad forever), and I will NEVER again tell a valued friend that she is going to have a horrible future if she doesn't start to be more like me.

We all make mistakes, right?

Life goes on. :(

25 October 2008


It's been almost a month and a half since I updated this thing. I guess I should get on it!

Brad came home on the USS George Washington for 5 days at the end of September. It was the first time a U.S. nuclear powered ship has pulled into port in Japan. This caused quite a stir. Coming home from swim lessons that night took me over an hour because of all the protesters marching in the streets. They are peaceful protesters, so it's no big deal. In fact, I heard that most of them get paid to protest and they could actually care less that there is a nuclear ship here. Oh well. Here are some pictures from while Brad was home:

I have been keeping busy with school, teaching swim lessons on Tuesday and Thursday nights, staying active with my Family Readiness Group, and my Pampered Chef business. I started to get back into it this month after not holding a show in over a year. The day after tomorrow I will be doing a fundraiser for my FRG. It should be fun, and I hope to book some home shows off of it. I already got a recruit to sign on as a consultant under me! If I can get 4 more consultants to sign up, I can become a director. We'll see how that goes.

Last week Jocelyn had a temperature of over 102.5 on and off for a couple days. I'd give her Tylenol and it would go down, only to come back again in a couple hours. On the third day, it went up to 103.7 and she wouldn't eat anything all day. We went to the Emergency room and found out that she has a urinary tract infection. Don't ask me how a 6 month old gets a UTI, the doctor couldn't even tell me. Poor baby girl. Anyway, she is on antibiotics for 10 days now. Here is a picture of how she fell asleep in the ER while we were waiting on the Doc:

Oh, Jocelyn's first ad came out in CREA magazine on October 7th. It's not as exciting as I thought it would be, but here it is:

They also did a section, in the same magazine, about baby models in Japan. I can't tell if they gave Dean the photo credit or not, because it is in Kanji. But, it should say something like "My name is Jocelyn. I was born on 29 Mar 08. I like sweet potatoes and bananas and boob juice. I love to smile and play. My favorite song is 'You are my Sunshine'. And my favorite animal is a giraffe (at least until I am old enough to choose for myself." Who knows what they really put, but that is what I sent them. Here is that page:

Well, today was the Halloween festival on base. My friend Kharisa was planning on dressing her kids up as Tinkerbell and Peter Pan. Last night I was pondering what I would dress Jocelyn up as. I figured I would join in on their theme. I considered Wendy, a mermaid, Tiger Lilly, or even Smee. This morning, Tiger Lilly won because it would be the easiest to make in a short period of time. I got out some black yarn to make her hair, I cut up an old brown t-shirt to make the dress. I sewed on some excess pieces of dresses that I had hemmed...and we had a little Indian girl! Here is the end result:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Here is a picture of Tiger Lilly from the movie, Peter Pan:

Well, my creativity paid off. She won best overall costume!!! We got a little stuffed pumpkin and ghost for her and two free movie passes for me and Daddy!

I don't know if you are all aware of the upset I suffered last year when I lost the balcony decorating competition on base. Anyway, I slaved over my decorations. The prize was $150. So, I didn't want to spend a bunch of money trying to win. I got a bunch of old boxes from the furniture store and drew, cut out, and hand painted a giant sleigh, 9 reindeer (complete with felt harnesses, jingle bells, and name tags), and each individual letter for 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!" I attached reins from the sleigh to the reindeer. I hung up all of my extra lights. I twisted lighted garland around my drain pipe. I put giant, lighted candy canes in front of my sleigh. I went all out and only spent a couple bucks. When I found out who won, I about cried. Actually, I think I did cry. This person's balcony only had a couple of light up figures; a snowman, a santa, and an elf; and a couple strings of lights. Now those figures probably cost quite a bit, but it doesn't take any creativity to plug in a couple things and sit them out on your balcony! I was so disappointed. It may seem childish to be this competetive...but mine WAS the best. See below:

Anyway, tonight I proved that it doesn't take expensive things to win first place. I know there were people at this festival that spent a pretty penny on their kids' costumes. But, guess who got the movie tickets!!! Now, I am setting out to prove once and for all that I don't have to spend $500 on Christmas decorations to win this contest!!! It will be mine, oh yes...it will be mine!

So, Brad will be home in time for Thanksgiving. He missed it the last two years and it is his favorite holiday. I can't wait for him to come home and see how much Jocelyn has changed in the short time that he has been gone. She is so adorable!!! Here are a couple more Jocelyn photos before you go: