Today I made one of the top five biggest mistakes I have ever made in my entire life. I hurt someone and I hurt myself. I told myself that I was doing the right thing. It took me days, weeks, even months to convince myself that it was the right thing to do (I even ignored my husbands opinion, telling myself that he didn't fully understand the situation). Well, I don't usually have a problem admitting that I was wrong. In this case, I was absolutely wrong. But, this time it IS hard for me to admit it to myself because I convinced myself, and other people convinced me, that I was doing something good. Nope. Not even close. I wish that it would have done the good that I intended it to do, but the situation turned into the absolute worst possible scenario that I could have imagined. I made myself believe that wouldn't happen, but it did.
I have a thing about mistakes, especially about giant mistakes. I learn from them. Those bad decisions that are in my top five, ten, or even fifty, are things that I am NOT going to repeat. I am going to try my hardest in the future to not do similar things that will make me suffer emotionally, the way I am suffering now...with guilt, frustration, and self-loathing. I will definitely try even harder to avoid making others suffer the way that I have made a loved one suffer today. I sometimes tell myself that it is okay to hurt someone's feelings or to be 'honest to a fault' if it is for the overall good of that person. Well, I learned that this method does not apply to all people. Some people would rather hear what they want to hear and defend themselves to the end because they feel so judged by your honest opinion. Today I lost a friend that I considered one of the closest friends I have ever had. I wish I could have avoided telling her the things that I was convinced she needed to hear. Who the hell do I think I am...trying to tell other people how to fix their lives? I thought I was being a caring, invested, and sincere friend. WRONG! I was a judgmental, nosy, and hurtful friend.
I know that I will make bigger mistakes in the future that will push this one out of the top five. We all make bad decisions that we regret. However, those future mistakes will be new and I will learn from them as well. I am going to need a long time to feel better about this one. It has happened now and I cannot change it. That's life. It sucks.
Everyone should realize that just because you are really close friends with someone, that does not mean that they are the same kind of person that you are. You cannot validate your decisions by telling yourself, "Well, I'd want someone to do this for me, so she will appreciate me doing it for her." Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
I have only had, maybe, 6 friendships in my life that could be considered as important to me as the friendship that I had with the friend I lost today. This causes HUGE sadness for me, and it is all my fault.
I will never buy a new car again, I will never again buy new clothes when I cannot my pay bills, I will never throw broken glass in my husbands face again, I will never sit my 7 month old on the top of a picnic table again, I will never stop talking to my sister for a year again because she made a mistake that I, myself have made, I will never eat a hamburger AND put on mascara while driving again, I will never again have sex with someone that does not love me and whose medical history I do not know(I am assuming this would never be an option anyway as I plan to be married to Brad forever), and I will NEVER again tell a valued friend that she is going to have a horrible future if she doesn't start to be more like me.
We all make mistakes, right?
Life goes on. :(